Aug 17, 2015

It has been over a year since I wrote on this blog. My husband's health is fair. He has Parkinson's and has a lot of trouble walking. Sometimes he gets confused and has gotten lost a few times when driving. I guess he needs to stop but he only drives occasionally. I do most of the driving. At least, I have my hands on the wheel and my feet on the pedals but he does the driving and it drives me crazy. He has to tell me every way to turn the wheel, when to stop, where to park, how fast to drive etc. He can't understand why it irritates me so much. I have told him I don't mind him telling me if I am doing something that may be dangerous but just don't tell me how to drive all the time.  When we had a sailboat in Fla. he was the same way. He worked the sails while I steered and it was the same thing.
We went to the farmers market and I parked but the wasn't satisfied where I parked and had me move over about two or  three feet, said I was blocking a truck  which I wasn't and besides it was one of the sellers and he wasn't going anywhere until the end of the day. I explained to him that I wasn't blocking etc. and I thought the wasn't going to even get out but he did. Later when we left I asked did he want to ride through the small town and he agreed. I was on a side street and as I went through the intersection he said,
" You ran a stop sign." I told him I didn't see it and I said did you see it  and he said yes. I asked well, why didn't you tell me and he said well you don't like for me to tell you how to drive.  I got so mad I could have just run the car into a tree or something. He did it just for spite.  He let me run a stop sign just so he  could tell me that I really did something wrong.  It caused a very long argument and I reached a point that I seldom do, where I yelled almost out of control.  I know this seems like a small thing but piled on top of everything else it was maddening. Of course he gets home and says he is leaving, throw away his medicine, he won't be back and never come back. He has done this before and I have told him that the next time he leaves don't come back. I know he is sick and I feel bad but I don't think I should have to put up with just anything because of it . I feel like all the pleasure in my life is gone. We can't do any of the things that we used to enjoy, like hiking or going to street fairs or yard sales, driving to different towns and enjoying looking at interesting places. I can't go alone and I have no one to go with me.  The most pleasure I get is when my daughter comes and we spend time together just doing whatever we want to. I will add that there are times that he drives my daughter nuts also and she says I don't see how you live with him. She lives about 91 miles away and can only come about once a month and only stays two days. The last time we went to her house I had to get mad and argue with my husband for a long time before he would even go there. We didn't have any reason to celebrate Christmas just the two of us but my daughter wanted us to go to her husband's parents house which is at the bottom of the state and was an over night stay. Of course he said no and I said what are we going to do, sit on this couch the rest of our lives? Again I got angry and he finally said he would go but he ruined any pleasure of going by me having to " force him."
I don't know where the man I married is. He tells me all the time he loves me which I really get tired of hearing because a lot of times he certainly doesn't act like it.  My other children live one on the west coast and the other on the east so I only see them and my four grandchildren once a year or maybe every two years.  My grandchildren barely know me and the older ones don't really have any interest in talking to me very often. I can't see them when they have dance recitals or soccer games or the ski or run cross country. I play only a small part in their lives , sending birthday and Christmas gifts.
When I was growing up I lived close to my grandmother and I went to see her everyday. I loved to sit in the porch swing with her and hear about her life. She would walk to our house and sit and talk while the beans bubbled on the stove making the pot lid clatter. There was a wide ditch she had to cross so my younger brother and I built a makeshift bridge for her to cross.
How I wish I had that relationship with my grandchildren. Maybe then I would feel like I had a purpose in living beyond taking care of my husband.
I know that we will eventually have to move to a different place, because of the stairs coming up to our porches. And we can no longer care for the yards. Especially since I couldn't get him to have the lawn mower fixed so I could mow the grass myself. I am healthy enough to still work around the house but I need the right equipment. And now the heat is so bad it is dangerous to be out in it and I just don't seem to care anymore. Everything is an argument and being angry for days and finally getting something done but it spoils everything for me.  I never thought my life would turn out in such an unhappy way and I fear for the future.
I get very lonely and sad. Memories of how things used to be and how they are now are breaking my heart.
I would give anything to turn back the years when my mama and daddy were alive and we spent so many happy times together.  I wonder if mama felt the way I do when daddy was sick and she had such a burden on her. It was only lifted when she had to put him in a nursing home which she didn't want to do, but had to for her own health, physically and mentally.  I have a friend of many years who is going through the same thing with her husband but they live with her son in Fla and she had him there for her and also has her only grandchild to love and care for.
I try my best to find things to do that I like,  I read, I have worked out my genealogy on my daddys and my mothers side. I sell somethings on E-bay but lately haven't had
much luck with the things I have to sell. I am hoping it is just because it is summer. Maybe when fall gets here people will be more interested. I am buying fall clothes to sell. I buy clothes at the thrift stores and I am amazed at the nice things that people give away. Sometimes I think we are a sinful nation, getting rid of perfectly good clothes just to buy more. I hardly ever shop in a regular store anymore, I can find nice classic clothes which are good name brands for a few dollars. Bring them home and wash them and they are just as good as new ones. Really better because the quality of the clothes are better since they are several years older. A lot if the clothes that are manufactured now are not made out of good fabric and are very ugly also in my opinion.  When my daughter was married and I was working we shopped first in upper class stores and then discovered TJ Maxx and Marshalls.  So we would go there and do what we called the TJ Maxx shuffle. My daughter would buy things she didn't need and I didn't know at the time that she was trying to fill a hole in her life.  When she divorced she was happier but then she
didn't have the money to spend so we discovered the Salvation Army stores. I think we have been to every one from Atlanta to Memphis to Mississippi. And we both have very nice clothes most just like new. We laugh and say if we get poorer we will start dumpster diving.
If I didn't have my daughter close enough to come at least once a month I don't know what I would do. We have the same relationship as I did with my mama.  I loved my mama so much!  I am just waiting now for fall and cooler weather and hopefully some snow this winter . My son plans to come with his family in Oct which I am happy about but OH how I dread it when they have to go. I still have the toys that the grandchildren left in the same place where they put them for the last time.  I got out the toys my son played with when he was small and how delighted my little grandson was to play with them, the legos and little  cars and army men. And Barbie dolls for my little granddaughter that my daughters had.
It is raining outside now,  I like when it rains. My husband wants me to take him back to the hearing aid place. He has to go very often which irritates me that he spent so much for it and still can't hear good with it.  God help me from being so resentful and angry. I know it is wrong but he causes a lot of it.  But I have my memories .