terrible feeling

Dear Kenneth,
I have this terrible feeling that you no longer loved me when you died. And I know I deserve to feel this way. If I could make it up to you somehow I would. It is too late and I will have to live with this feeling from now on.  I heard you speak my name just before I woke up yesterday and it was like it was filled with love. But I still have this feeling and feel I don't have the right to cry over you. It is a terrible feeling. I don't feel like doing anything anymore. I am so so sorry. Please let me know somehow that you forgive me.

Missing you

Dear Kenneth,
Alice and I found the box that you had labeled stink bomb and do not open, personal. I found letters that I had written you from Birmingham and letters I had written down through the years to you. I found a very, very sweet one that you wrote to me after we got married about how you thought God had brought us together. But now God has taken you and I miss you so much .  I am sorry for all the times that I got angry with you for things that you couldn't help.  I don't think I was a very good wife these last few years that we had together and I am so so sorry. I know I must have hurt you many times with the ways that I acted. I wish God could grant me some time with you to make things right like they were when we first got married. I dreamed that I heard you whistle for me ( that used to irritate me so). You were standing with a shirt on a hanger and I started saying I'm sorry, I'm sorry but you didn't answer me. Then I woke up. I knew that I would probably feel guilty for all the hateful ways I had with you, I just didn't like the life we were forced to live after you got PD. Things that I had to deal with but oh, now that you are gone I would gladly do all the things that you needed done and not mind at all. I beg you to forgive me. You meant more to me than I could even imagine and now I know how lucky I was to have you for my husband for 57 years. I am going to try to live the life I have left in a way that you would be proud of me.  All the letters that I read from your daddy to you while you were in the air force made me wish I had known you then. You had such a nice sweet face and smile. And you were as innocent as I was when we got married. Not many women can say that about her husband. Dear Kenneth, I feel so sad. I will never have the opportunity to watch Wheel of Fortune with you sitting on the couch with a blanket around both of us. We will never go to a restuarant together again, me pushing you in that chair that made it so easy for us to go places. I will never walk along the river that we loved so well pushing you and seeing the blue birds together. I could cry my eyes out, it hurts so bad. Please forgive me for every mean selfish thing I said to you. I took care of you but sometimes I resented it and I know that you knew I did.  And the night you said "I just don't understand." I didn't understand either.  I hope that you are in heaven right now looking down on me and saying I forgive you. And I just remember all the fun, good sweet times we shared those 57 years."  I hope that you are with Gerald. I hope he met you as you walked through the gates of Heaven. I hope that your mama and daddy and my mama and daddy were right behind them. And my sister Betty who you were so good to and my little brother Jr that died on Christmas day in 1950.  The kids and I will carry on with sad hearts but greatful hearts too that we had you in our lives and had your love and kindness and protection all those years. They love you very much. Alice has been so good to me and she misses and loves you so much.  Our little grandbaby Wiley is so sweet, I wish you could have lived and got to see him. I find it so hard to believe that you are gone. I held your hands and Alice kept her had over your heart and talked to Jesus until you drew your last breath.
Good night my good husband.
Your wife, Jane

Word association

I was working a crossword puzzle and the hint was secretly (2 words).  I had to look up the answer and it was sub rosa. . Rosa, Rose. Red roses. my birthday. Red roses from Anthony. Anthony. Gone too soon. 22 years old.  Young Highway Patrolman.   Nov 17 graduated from cadet to patrolman. Dec 13 graduated from life on earth to life in heaven. There for 55 years. In my heart forever.

ALABAMA HIGHWAY PATROL DEC 13, 1961

 On this night 54 years ago you and your partner, patrolman Rush were on patrol. You were supposed to be driving that night but you told Mr. Rush that you weren't feeling well so he said he would drive. And your fate was sealed.
Driving along a highway in Montgomery, Ala. there came a call to come and pick up some papers  from a hospital to take to the prison for a parent to sign so his child could have an operation.
Driving on Carter Hill Road, your partner at the wheel and you sitting in the front passenger seat, the  car approached Fisk Road.  Coming through a stop sign on your right was a car with four college students. They had all been drinking. There was a terrible crash and you and your partner were thrown from the car. You saved his life because he fell across you and you were on the pavement in an Amoco service station parking lot. The students clothes from the trunk of their car was strewn all around as you drew you last breath.  Years later I met the son of the patrolman whose life you saved.  He told me that if you had been driving that night he would have never been born. It would have been his father who died that night, not you.  Oh how I wished he had never been born.

I have been doing research on my ancestors and have discovered some interesting people.   I have found a knight in my genealogy timeline. Sir John de Holcombe 1175-1259 fought in the crusades. He was knighted by Richard I (Richard the Lion Hearted) because he cut off three Turks heads with one swoop of his sword. He was also given Holcombe Manor. He was killed in the third Palestine  crusade. He goes back 24 generations.
I found an ancestor named Lucy Holcombe Perkins who was called the queen of the Confederacy and her picture is on a one dollar confederate bill and also a one hundred dollar bill. She sold her jewels given to her by the Russian Tsar when her husband was an ambassador to Russia to help with the civil war . Her husband became governor of South Carolina after the secession.
On the Chastain side,  I discovered a United States senator named Elijah Webb Chastain. He served two terms.  When the Civil War started he joined up and became a Major. He survived the war but later he and some other men were crossing a river on their horses. His horse stumbled, throwing him off and then crushed him against a rock where he drowned.  I had a great uncle, John Chastain who was killed in the battle of Chickamauga. My great grandfather fought in the war and when he died he still had three mini balls inside him.
This has  been very interesting  and has entitled me to become a Daughter of the Confederacy.  I will apply one day.
It is strange to think about these people, to realize that they were flesh and blood just as I am and had the same dreams and aims and heartaches as I do.
It also makes me think that some of the things I get concerned about won't amount to anything in a few years, just as the things no longer matter to the people who have gone before me.

Aug 17, 2015

It has been over a year since I wrote on this blog. My husband's health is fair. He has Parkinson's and has a lot of trouble walking. Sometimes he gets confused and has gotten lost a few times when driving. I guess he needs to stop but he only drives occasionally. I do most of the driving. At least, I have my hands on the wheel and my feet on the pedals but he does the driving and it drives me crazy. He has to tell me every way to turn the wheel, when to stop, where to park, how fast to drive etc. He can't understand why it irritates me so much. I have told him I don't mind him telling me if I am doing something that may be dangerous but just don't tell me how to drive all the time.  When we had a sailboat in Fla. he was the same way. He worked the sails while I steered and it was the same thing.
We went to the farmers market and I parked but the wasn't satisfied where I parked and had me move over about two or  three feet, said I was blocking a truck  which I wasn't and besides it was one of the sellers and he wasn't going anywhere until the end of the day. I explained to him that I wasn't blocking etc. and I thought the wasn't going to even get out but he did. Later when we left I asked did he want to ride through the small town and he agreed. I was on a side street and as I went through the intersection he said,
" You ran a stop sign." I told him I didn't see it and I said did you see it  and he said yes. I asked well, why didn't you tell me and he said well you don't like for me to tell you how to drive.  I got so mad I could have just run the car into a tree or something. He did it just for spite.  He let me run a stop sign just so he  could tell me that I really did something wrong.  It caused a very long argument and I reached a point that I seldom do, where I yelled almost out of control.  I know this seems like a small thing but piled on top of everything else it was maddening. Of course he gets home and says he is leaving, throw away his medicine, he won't be back and never come back. He has done this before and I have told him that the next time he leaves don't come back. I know he is sick and I feel bad but I don't think I should have to put up with just anything because of it . I feel like all the pleasure in my life is gone. We can't do any of the things that we used to enjoy, like hiking or going to street fairs or yard sales, driving to different towns and enjoying looking at interesting places. I can't go alone and I have no one to go with me.  The most pleasure I get is when my daughter comes and we spend time together just doing whatever we want to. I will add that there are times that he drives my daughter nuts also and she says I don't see how you live with him. She lives about 91 miles away and can only come about once a month and only stays two days. The last time we went to her house I had to get mad and argue with my husband for a long time before he would even go there. We didn't have any reason to celebrate Christmas just the two of us but my daughter wanted us to go to her husband's parents house which is at the bottom of the state and was an over night stay. Of course he said no and I said what are we going to do, sit on this couch the rest of our lives? Again I got angry and he finally said he would go but he ruined any pleasure of going by me having to " force him."
I don't know where the man I married is. He tells me all the time he loves me which I really get tired of hearing because a lot of times he certainly doesn't act like it.  My other children live one on the west coast and the other on the east so I only see them and my four grandchildren once a year or maybe every two years.  My grandchildren barely know me and the older ones don't really have any interest in talking to me very often. I can't see them when they have dance recitals or soccer games or the ski or run cross country. I play only a small part in their lives , sending birthday and Christmas gifts.
When I was growing up I lived close to my grandmother and I went to see her everyday. I loved to sit in the porch swing with her and hear about her life. She would walk to our house and sit and talk while the beans bubbled on the stove making the pot lid clatter. There was a wide ditch she had to cross so my younger brother and I built a makeshift bridge for her to cross.
How I wish I had that relationship with my grandchildren. Maybe then I would feel like I had a purpose in living beyond taking care of my husband.
I know that we will eventually have to move to a different place, because of the stairs coming up to our porches. And we can no longer care for the yards. Especially since I couldn't get him to have the lawn mower fixed so I could mow the grass myself. I am healthy enough to still work around the house but I need the right equipment. And now the heat is so bad it is dangerous to be out in it and I just don't seem to care anymore. Everything is an argument and being angry for days and finally getting something done but it spoils everything for me.  I never thought my life would turn out in such an unhappy way and I fear for the future.
I get very lonely and sad. Memories of how things used to be and how they are now are breaking my heart.
I would give anything to turn back the years when my mama and daddy were alive and we spent so many happy times together.  I wonder if mama felt the way I do when daddy was sick and she had such a burden on her. It was only lifted when she had to put him in a nursing home which she didn't want to do, but had to for her own health, physically and mentally.  I have a friend of many years who is going through the same thing with her husband but they live with her son in Fla and she had him there for her and also has her only grandchild to love and care for.
I try my best to find things to do that I like,  I read, I have worked out my genealogy on my daddys and my mothers side. I sell somethings on E-bay but lately haven't had
much luck with the things I have to sell. I am hoping it is just because it is summer. Maybe when fall gets here people will be more interested. I am buying fall clothes to sell. I buy clothes at the thrift stores and I am amazed at the nice things that people give away. Sometimes I think we are a sinful nation, getting rid of perfectly good clothes just to buy more. I hardly ever shop in a regular store anymore, I can find nice classic clothes which are good name brands for a few dollars. Bring them home and wash them and they are just as good as new ones. Really better because the quality of the clothes are better since they are several years older. A lot if the clothes that are manufactured now are not made out of good fabric and are very ugly also in my opinion.  When my daughter was married and I was working we shopped first in upper class stores and then discovered TJ Maxx and Marshalls.  So we would go there and do what we called the TJ Maxx shuffle. My daughter would buy things she didn't need and I didn't know at the time that she was trying to fill a hole in her life.  When she divorced she was happier but then she
didn't have the money to spend so we discovered the Salvation Army stores. I think we have been to every one from Atlanta to Memphis to Mississippi. And we both have very nice clothes most just like new. We laugh and say if we get poorer we will start dumpster diving.
If I didn't have my daughter close enough to come at least once a month I don't know what I would do. We have the same relationship as I did with my mama.  I loved my mama so much!  I am just waiting now for fall and cooler weather and hopefully some snow this winter . My son plans to come with his family in Oct which I am happy about but OH how I dread it when they have to go. I still have the toys that the grandchildren left in the same place where they put them for the last time.  I got out the toys my son played with when he was small and how delighted my little grandson was to play with them, the legos and little  cars and army men. And Barbie dolls for my little granddaughter that my daughters had.
It is raining outside now,  I like when it rains. My husband wants me to take him back to the hearing aid place. He has to go very often which irritates me that he spent so much for it and still can't hear good with it.  God help me from being so resentful and angry. I know it is wrong but he causes a lot of it.  But I have my memories .

For better and for worse

November 28, 1959 I promised to marry for better and for worse until death do we part. He is now 82 and I think the worse has started.
A few weeks ago he had a pain in his side, nothing bad, but he  told his doctor and he sent him for a CT scan. They found a kidney stone and cysts and two small, solid masses on his kidneys.  He had the kidney stone crushed and a stent put in and was sent home. A few days later he became sick and began seeing things. I didn't really know what to expect and didn't get much help from his doctor, so when things seemed worse, I called an ambulance. He was in acute renal failure. He spent several days in the hospital getting over that and then two days ago he had to have the surgery all over again to remove the large piece of stone that was left.  I saw a sheet with a diagnosis on it and it said malign of kidney. Also the anesthesiologist asked if he had kidney cancer.
After the surgery I asked the urologist why he asked that and he said we would discuss it at the next visit and started explaining what could be done. I really hate for my husband to find out. He has been so frightened through all of this and I know if he does have cancer it will be very hard on him to deal with it. I am afraid of what the outcome may be at his age.

collection of lines that I like from books that I have read

The hedges were so thick, only the thinnest rays of sun could penetrate; these diamonds of light dappled the dark water of the pool, like phosphorescence- or gold coins that floated on the surface instead of sinking

From a Widow for One Year by John Irving


didn't particularly like the book, kind of perverted in my opinion

I made this blog on AOL a long time ago. They did away with it and now I have found it on Google. I had a lot of people I read back then but can't find them now. I think I will start this one again.

MRS BYRD

If you have read my journal through you will remember the lady I wrote about who lived in Denver, Colorado. She was 97 when I met her and we became close friends.
This is a picture of her with her arm through Sen Hardings arm, (She is wearing the plaid coat.) The other man is her cousin George Christian who was Hardings secretary when he was President. The girl is a friend of Mrs. Byrds and they were at the train station in Marion, Ohio, her and President Hardings home town. She told me many stories about her family's friendship with the president and how she had tea in the White House with Mrs Harding and threw out the ball at games for President Harding. She was a delightful lady and is my idea of a perfect lady. She died in 1994 at the age of 98. Her full name was Susan Garberson Byrd.

AOL COMMUNITY CHALLENGE/LOVE

Granddaddy and Nikki playing Barbies.

GREAT GRANDMA

My great grandmother is not quite as sophisticated looking as yours.
She looks as if she had a hard life. Don't know much about her.

aoljpictureUpload, aoljpictureUpload_1

new beginnings

here is my entry for new beginnings.

aoljaolPictureAdd, aoljaolPictureAdd_4

Thanksgiving

                                                                                                    Now my house really seems like a home. Had our first Thanksgiving here. My daughter and grandchildren came from Vermont and we cooked a turkey with all the trimmings. We even made a fire in the cookstove but it didn't get hot enough to cook anything. It felt cozy though. My poor little kitty was a nervous wreck from being loved on so much . He got to where he would hide everytime he saw Katie coming. The thing they enjoyed most was putting money on the railroad tracks . They left for home with a pocketful of flattened pennies, dimes and quarters. That week went by so fast we weren't able to do all the things we had planned. I wish they lived here so we could be together everyday instead of trying to cram so much into just a few days. They throughly enjoyed being with their uncle Troy.  They use him for a punching bag and a hair model. They gave him many different hair dos and complained because he was getting bald and they didn 't have much to work with. I played Barbies with them. They seemed very pleased with their upstairs " apartment." So was my daughter. It was a very nice visit, if only her husband could have left the restaurant for a while and come with them it would have been perfect.

aoljpictureUpload, aoljpictureUpload_1

update

Well, it has been a long time since I have been here. I have been trying to read all my alerts but got so far behind I had to delete them for awhile.
One day my brother in law came to see us and he brought a real estate paper with houses for sale. There was one I liked and I showed it to my husband and he said, " That's the house Mama used to live in. And  I recognized it then and said "let's go look at it." We did and I fell in love with the house. It had been completely remodeled with an upstairs added. It has nine foot ceilings and wooden floors. There is a wood burning cook stove in the kitchen. A fireplace in the living room. A claw foot tub in the bathroom which is original to the house which was built sometime around 1939. My husband said no!! I sulked and argued and fussed and cried and complained to my daughter and she wanted me to have it as bad as I wanted it. Finally after a good fit pitching, we called the real estate company and at last I got my way and now my husband thinks it was his idea he is so happy. We have seven acres. Some woods and a pasture and best of all a natural spring that runs year around. We also have a big snake that lives there. We have two cows and just sold two calves, we had two chickens but something got them. A hawk maybe? And for the very first time I have an indoor kitten named Zippy. He is sitting in my lap now as I type. He is part siamese and something else. We have joined the church which is just across the road. I have always wanted to go to a  church that I could walk to. My mama and daddy went there when they were first married and returned to it later when they got old and both had funerals there and they, my little brother and my oldest sister are buried there. Also I was able to get the phone number that my mama had since we first got a phone in 1953. So I feel that I have come back home at last. I love my house. It has big pecan and oak trees all around it and there are sycamore trees around the spring. And water cress growing in the water. I discovered the snake one day when I almost stepped on it. I said a bad word and jumped backwards and it slid away. It was big but I couldn't tell what kind. Now when I go to the spring I wear boots. I have always wanted a spring of my own. When I was little I would find them in the woods and my aunt used to take her clothes to one and wash them when the wells went dry. Also the creek where we swam as kids runs behind the house over behind the railroad tracks. We also have trains that go by and I used to hear them in the night when I was little. This house is just a few miles from the one where I grew up. It is torn down now. I guess you can tell I am happy. Getting moved was awful and we had to buy a storage building for all our excess baggage, but my husband insulated it and put in an air conditioner and built lots and lots of shelves so things wouldn't ruin. I am going to try to add a picture of my house.

back home

I am back home in Alabama at last. The time spent in Baton Rouge was not as great as we thought it would be. The town has changed a lot since the hurricanes. The traffic is bad, people run lights and cut you off. There are so many more people there now.

I got a job with the state. I think I made a mistake. It  was with the Dept of Revenue. They hired over 200  temporary workers because of the delays granted in filing taxes because of the hurricanes. It was very high pressure, nothing like the state of Alabama.

I have my job back but I am having a hard  time adjusting to the laid back ways. I keep feeling pressured to  work, work, work even when the work is finished. Down in Baton Rouge the work was never finished. We even worked overtime a lot. The workers attitudes about that is very angry.

I hope I can start relaxing and get back to writing. I have had to delete journal entries when I got so many alerts I couldn't read them all. I was mostly go to bed get up go to work go to bed get up etc.

We did try to do things on the weekends like touring old plantation homes and attending festivals. But after a while they all run together. We started going to thrift stores and buying books so now I have five boxes of books and no place to put them. I really need to have a huge closet cleaning but I'd rather be on my computer.

Jane

A talent

If I could choose one talent it would be to sing. To sing you don't need to carry a pen and paper, you don't need brushes or paints and wait for things to dry, you don't have to lug around an instrument or have a huge piano. You take everything you need with you. If I could sing I would never shut up. I would like to sing like a girl version of Josh Groban. Maybe like Charlotte Church or Enya or even Carrie Underwood. No,  I take that back, don't like the new country music. Just would like to look like her.

Daybreak

                                                                           
A wind came up out of the sea,

And said," Oh mists, make room for me."

It hailed the ships, and cried,

"Sail on ye mariners

The night is gone."

And hurried landward far away,

Crying, " Awake! it is the day."

It said unto the forest, " Shout!

Hang all your leafy banners out!"

It touched the wood bird's folded wing,

And said, "Oh bird, awake and sing."

And o'er the farms, "O chanticleer ,

Your clarion blow; the day is near."

It whispered to the fields of corn,

"Bow down, and hail the coming morn."

It shouted throught the belfry tower,

"Awake, O bell! proclaim the hour."

It crossed the churchyard  with a sigh,

And said," Not yet! In quiet lie."

 

 

author unknown

from my collectionof poems at age 16

 

 

the bluebird

When God had made a host of them

One little flower still lacked a stem

To hold it's blossom blue;

So into it he breathed  a song,

And suddenly, with petals strong

As wings, away it flew.

Emily Dickinson

(I think!)

My Sad Christmas

Nine flowers standing in a row,    

God has said one must go.

Who shall it be said each one

Can it be him of who we are so fond?

On Christmas Day down came the hand 

and pulled the flower from the sand.

The sand was the suffering he must bear. 

God took him away with gentle care.

The other flowers they will weep

While down from heaven he will peep.

The flower was Jr. my little brother

He who loved both us and mother.

I know now he is happy and gay 

And he will remember the day he was taken away.

He had lots of toys from us

But he received a gift with no bother no fuss.

God knows best others say

But I will always remember that sad Christmas Day.

 

Dedicated to God's Darling Angel Jr who was just lent to us. 

Love, Jane.

poem written at age 11 on the death of my brother , December 25, 1950